Amber Online

Dear Stefan,

You should have been there! I really felt like having an argument at dinner, and they didn't notice, that I was in an argumentative mood I mean. I did manage it though. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. One thing did puzzle me, and that was that Sabine allowed us to quarrel. She merely looked over and said nothing. I think she likes to argue too. I felt really good afterwards. But I did wonder why she let us get away with it. We weren't allowed to squabble at home. "Be quiet and eat up!" father used to say. Later on, when I came here at the age of 12, the nurses used to say exactly the same thing. "Quarrelling is a sin," was something else they used to say. A sin, it's a sin that I'm ill. It's a sin when I have to do something that I am forced to do. Consideration, I must always show some consideration. You can't imagine just how it's always been, sleeping with 15 strange girls in one dormitory. There was only a small stove in the far corner well away from my bed. They said I used to have fits. Father said it was good that there was such a place like this for me. At school they laughed at me. Whenever I fell all of a sudden on the floor. Now I understand they were just afraid and didn't know what to do. I didn't laugh, I knew what was going on, and waited until the nurses helped me. After the fit, life carried on as normal. You are only onlookers. Somehow or other I became good friends with the other girls, even though I often used to like to be on my own. When I was at home I was constantly with my brothers. I had to look after them despite being under ten years old. Mother was dead. Together, everyone together. Now I have the choice. I can sit in my room and read or watch television, or be bored. I can now do whatever I want! See you soon, Ernestine.